status update

3 months since my last post and not much has changed. I am the worst possible role model for anyone (if anyone is actually reading this).

Are you someone who needs to get their shit together? Are you trying to lose weight? Are you trying to get healthy? Are you trying to be a better mom, a better wife, a better you? Are you trying to find the key to your happiness? Well, you are NOT in the right place. You’ve taken a wrong turn. You shouldn’t be here. Turn around. Go back where you came from. This is not the place for you.

Are you looking for an excuse as to why none of that is getting done? Maybe work is stressful, maybe one of your kids has a health-related issue that is causing you a lifetime of anxiety and stress. Maybe you are just addicted to chips and coke. Maybe you’re lazy. Maybe you make weekly promises to yourself that THIS will be the week. THIS will be the new beginning. The NEW you. The better YOU. That everything will be better. Starting today (or tomorrow).

If you continue to tell yourself those lies, then you are most definitely in the right place. Because I can tell you – that? The “new beginning, starting today” is pure bullshit. It’s not starting today. It never starts NOW, and it most definitely never starts tomorrow. So here I am, standing before the world of blogging (which is basically just myself and any random stranger that somehow ended up on here accidentally and got sucked in by my awesomness/fatness)….I want to start. Today. This moment. This is my defining moment.

Maybe, just maybe this time I’m telling myself the truth. Maybe, maybe I’ve had enough. Maybe I’m ready for change.

I remain hopeful. I remain hopeful that I am not a loss cause. That I can be that better wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, heck, even employee.

So, let me look at this in terms of today, I won’t think about all the promises I might break tomorrow (or this weekend). I will think about today…..and make the choices I need to make to get me on step closer (one “today” closer to my best “today”).

I want to try and remind myself that this shouldn’t be hard. Losing a child is hard. Fighting cancer is hard. Trying to lose weight, get in shape and get out of my funk, shouldn’t be hard. I am not saying it’s easy – but I can’t keep failing with the excuse “well, it’s hard” as my fallback.

So, I’m picking up my socks (actually, I’m in barefeet today in my pumps, even at 13C,) and I’m making a choice. A choice to get back on this bandwagon. For many reasons. For me, for my kids, for my energy levels, for the cute clothes I want to fit back into, for not wanting to be the fattest one at the office….see, there are many reasons.

What’s next? Well, I’ve got to do it. Today. April 27th, here are my goals for this week:

1. Track my food on MyFitnessPal
2. Drink 64oz of water a day
3. Jog (or attempt to – novice runner here) 4x this week.

Three goals.

Good luck to me. I’ve got this…..(i hope).

I’m a broken record. But try, try again.

The start of 2015 brings a new leaf. A new beginning. Another reason to claim that this is the year. This s the year that I will get my health in check. This is the year that I will stop biting my nails (30 years and counting…something tells me, THIS is the year….but, then again, so was last year). This is the year that I will be more active and be happier and be kinder and be more patient.

Basically this is the year that I will be the best version of me. Sigh. Maybe nail-biting will have to wait until 2016. If I had to narrow it down, it would be to invest more time and energy into exercise and healthy eating, which will (hopefully) spill over into other areas of my life. It will result in a happier me, a happier mom, a happier wife and fitting in the new clothes I bought 3 months ago after losing 10 pounds. Those ten pounds  have returned with a vengeance. I returned to work and immediately stopped doing any of the things I was doing. It really reinforced that: it’s an everyday struggle, weight gain can happen in a blink of an eye and it really is 80% diet/food.

So, I will try again. I’ve signed up for a bootcamp starting Monday. It’s 3 times a week for the entire month of January. My husband has to really pick up the slack because I will be gone Mon-Wed-Fri and won’t be able t help with the kids in the morning. I hope this bootcamp will help get me and keep me on track and prevent me from creeping further up that scale.

I couldn’t be more disappointed in myself….I am stuffing my disappointment with pop, salt, chocolate and eating out. There are a handful of reasons why, work, my son’s health, my relationship, my own issues etc…all that are playing a part in my weight gain. But ultimately those struggles could always be arond…so I need to find ways to make it work. Like a million other people…I just hope this time, this new year, something sticks.

back to reality, oh, there goes gravity….

The months are flying by. I am once again proving what a horrible blogger I am. I remember back in the day (2006) when I blogged every day, for probably close to 2 years. Then I just got…busy, bored, old…I don’t know what happened. But something changed and I just didn’t blog like I used to. I’d like to get back at it (but, I’ve said that more than once)….it feels sort of like my daily resolution to lose 10-15 pounds. I say it way more than I probably mean it and I never put in the effort to actually do it.

Except for that one month, where I lost almost 10 pounds. Then I gained it, and then some.

Well, Christmas has come and gone. It was a very busy few days. I had my parents visiting and my brother and his family came over for Christmas dinner. The kids were excited, hyper and full of tantrum beans. But overall it was a pretty good day. Outside of getting into a verbal disagreement with my brother, my crying, him getting defensive, nothing getting resolved and us just quietly pushing it under the rug and pretending it didn’t happen…fun times I tell you.

Thing 2 (T2) got his MRI results back. Kind of. I say kind of, because the doctor called with them and then couldn’t explain them, which was a total let down. All I do know is some of it came back totally normal (good thing) and some of it came back questionable (bad thing)…the questionable part could not be explained. I had follow-up questions that could not be answered…,so again we wait. Again we are left wondering how NF is going to impact our littlest of littles.

T1 is just a ball of awesomeness. He really is. He can be high-energy, annoying, cranky, cuddly, crusty and a cool little dude. He will be 3 in one week. The other day in the store he told me “mom, look a hexagon!” My first thought was “oh, crap, what’s a hexagon again?…then my eyes scoured the shelves until I saw a stop-sign shape box of chocolates, then my brain clued in….I don’t know where he learns this stuff, because I sure am not teaching it to him.

Married life is good. It isn’t great, it isn’t bad. We are out of our little rut we were in….we have chosen to put more effort into our relationship, into our marriage. We just have to be reminded that it’s work. It isn’t easy. It isn’t always fun. And some weeks, months (heck probably years for some) are hard. But after every valley is a peak. So we are on our way to that peak.

That’s it on this end.

2015 is coming up and I am looking forward to making all kinds of resolutions I won’t keep and promises I will soon forget.

you lick ice cream. there I said it.

“I’m pretty sure you’d make a worse ex-wife than wife”

Said my husband to me the other day. In that moment he was right. I was so epically pissed at him this past weekend. The worst part is I can’t even remember why. Probably that our house looked like a war zone, our kids were dirty, we all have a nasty cold and he was just sitting there on his computer reading some crap on the internet. I don’t know how couples do it. Marriage and kids are hard. Marriage is hard by itself. Throw kids into the mix and I’m barely surviving. Yes. I love my husband. But some days, I can barely stand to look at him. Some days I want to just pack a bag, get in the car, drive to a random hotel and watch crappy TV and eat take-out and convince myself that I can do this all on my own.

Because I could. I can. Can’t I?

Probably. But it’d be hard. Harder than this.

But it’s hard now. It’s hard now rushing home from work, picking up two kids who are in two different daycares, drive home, make dinner, feed kids, bathe kids, clean kitchen and find time to unwind and connect with my spouse. This is supposed to be the best years of my life (so says nobody, but yet everybody). I have a great, loving, kind, generous, annoys the crap out of me and I can’t stand that he chews ice cream, husband who tries. He’s a good dad most days. He’s a better than average husband most days. The other days? We could benefit from a referee the other days. And probably a rule book for the infractions we commit.

Am I the best mom most days? No. Am I the best wife most days? Absolutely no. Should I cut him some slack? Probably.

But the dude needs to stop chewing his ice cream.

judgement….

I recently just read a blog about moms and judgement. And it got me thinking about recent judgement thrown my way as a mother….

As some of you know, I’ve recently returned to work after 10 months of maternity leave. You’d think I’d just broken the cardinal rule of motherhood. I did not take the full year that we get off here in Canada. Somehow this translates me into a shit mother. Clearly I don’t love my kid enough. I am that selfish and that diabolical that I have tossed my wee one aside, most likely to wolves, to get back into the workforce.

Oh no…that’s not what happened.

Our family needed me to be back at work. Because, gee, not every single one of us can afford to be off for a year. I love the misconception that somehow, just because we get a year off, that we have enough money in the bank to actually be off for the full year. It’s the job itself that has to be held for us for the year, our employer isn’t paying us our salary for that year. Yes, we get some dollars. But we’re essentially on unemployment, they just call it “maternity leave”,….but my cheque comes from the same governmental department that your unemployment cheque comes from and is a direct result from paying into unemployment as a deduction. And let’s face it, that’s not very much.

So I did the responsible thing. I realized that providing for my family was a little more important.

So when you’re walking down the halls of my place of work and you say “back already? Is your son already 1?” and I respond with “No, had to come back a couple months early, he’ll be 1 in November” and you say “early, WHY would you do that, I could never come back early?”….oh gee Sherlock, why would a person come back to work…oh, I don’t know, I need to pay some bills. I needed to stop sliding things over to my credit card and getting our family in unnecessary debt.

But thank you for making me feel about “this big” and implying that I am making the wrong choice.

You don’t know me. You don’t know our situation. And oh yeah, fuck you.

losing steam

I’m back at work in 2 weeks and I’m losing steam on this “healthy journey”. I just want a nice, big juicy burger, or greasy poutine and a very large, very tasty coke. 

Yup. I’ve got issues. 

I went back to the gym for one of those “free training sessions” – which is really just an opportunity for a trainer to sell their services and tell you how they can get you to your goal and you couldn’t possibly get yourself there. But, it gave me an chance to get my body measured and weighed again to see what if anything has changed since my “official” start day of July 22 (a little over 4 weeks ago).

Starting: 137 pounds (again, to some this doesn’t seem big, but at 5ft tall, it is overweight/borderline obese….thank you internet for that!) 

Current: 128.4 pounds (my “free trainer” tells me I should be 103 after I told her I’d be happy at 116-118…thank you trainer for sucking my victories out of me….I have a hate on for GoodLife right now). 

Body Fat%: 32.2%

Current BF%: 28.1 (again, crazy goodlife trainer said I should aim for 11% body fat – has anyone seen that on a woman, an average woman who wants to have the occasional glass of wine and platter of nachos? – get real lady! For reals. )

BMI starting: 26.75

Current BMI: 25.1

So, yes – there has been change. Good change. You’d think this would be a great motivator – something to give me incentive to keep going, to stick it out. Yet, it’s doing the exact opposite. I know just want to throw in the towel and eat junk food and stop going to the gym. I don’t know why this is happening. I must have serious body issues. 

Or maybe I just never feel like I will hit goal so I sabotage because it’s better to fail than succeed – or it’s better to consciously fail early instead of failing later? I don’t know. It is something I really need to examine. So now I am just trying to not cave in to my psychotic thoughts. 

Don’t cave. Don’t cave. Stay the road. 

Stay the road. 

back to the grind….(soon anyway)

My maternity leave is ending early…for a variety of reasons (our bank account balance being the big one!). I officially return September 8th….the babe will be almost 10 months old, so it isn’t THAT early, but 2 months is 2 months. Even though I am tremendously grateful that I had 10 months home with him when I know that our Yankee neighbours to the south hardly get anything….which I really don’t understand, if every other capatalistic/westernized country can do it, why can’t the US? But I digress….

 So in a few weeks I’ll be juggling the career, kids, husband, house and trying to keep up/maintain a healthy lifestyle. I’m nervous about that part. I feel prepared for everything else, but I’m nervous about healthy lunches and balanced dinners and finding time to exercise….I’ve failed at it so many times before, I don’t know what makes this time any different. I hope it’s different. 

I’m 13 pounds away from my official “goal” weight and I want to reach that by November 4th; my 35th birthday. I want to be the fittest I’ve been before turning 35 (whereas right now, I’m the most unfit I’ve ever been)…..

I don’t know if I can do it. These last 3+ weeks, I’ve lost almost 7 pounds, but it’s been hard, I’ve worked my ass off….I have really been diligent about my food intake and exercise and I don’t know if I can do that when work gets thrown back into the mix….

Sigh. 

I’m crossing my fingers, toes and legs that I don’t sabotage myself. 

I really diskile the scale…I’ve had to ask the husband to hide it so I stop weighing myself every single day, sometimes more than once and if you’ve ever done that you’d see that the scale can move up and down pounds….so it’s been hiding for a few days…I finally stepped on it this morning….

 

drumroll……

So far I’m down 5.8 pounds….I joined the gym at the beginning of July, but I only started watching my nutrition 13 days ago…and I am going by the weight I was 13 days ago. I’m actually happy and surprised. Surprised that what has really been the root of most of my weight issues has been almost 100% food. I know that “they” say it’s 80/20 food/exercise that the bulk of a person’s weight problem is their food intake. I always felt I didn’t eat THAT much, I wasn’t one of those biggest loser contestants who talked about ordering 3 combo meals for themselves (I do just fine with 1 combo meal…) but apparently I’ve been eating too many combo meals. Another big thing I’ve done is cut out liquid calories. If the drink has a calorie, I’ve avoided it (for the most part). So – I don’t know what really been the biggest reason showing such a loss. 

My guess? Food and drink. I’ve cut out the soda. Going to the gym has helped some, but not a lot. 

But who knows, this could be mostly water and bloat. 

 

 

“treat day”

My husband and I are busy with 2 boys under 2.5…..so our time together is often at night when the kids are in bed we watch TV….we have our “shows”…these are Masterchef, Amazing Race Canada and a couple others….probably a 1hr show a night. We used to take this time to “treat” ourselves to a junky snack to watch the show. The hubs often would go to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard and I would reach for a salty chip snack and of course a big tall glass of sweet regular Coke. 

Since we’ve decided to embark on a “healthier” lifestyle, we discussed allowing ourselves to have ONE treat a week. What used to be 4 or 5 treats a week would be dwindled down to one. So we decided on Monday night and last night I got a Sundae from McDonald’s at 340 calories. (We are still a no-coke household so those are definitely not allowed on treat night!) 

And it was totally not worth it. I am not a fan of ice cream. But when examining caloric intake, this was less than a bag of chips and since I’m not a lover of ice cream, it’s easy to not want any more. It’s easy to not want a second (or third)…this is not so with salty goodness. 

But after we indulged (while watching Masterchef) – I didn’t feel like I had a “treat”….I felt bad. I felt like I was sabotaging and road to success I was on. We had a great day of eating…started off with a turkey-egg omelette for breakfast, a turkey-avocado tortilla wrap and a chickpea/sweet potato Moroccan stew for supper….with very healthy snacks fit in. I went to the gym, I drank water.

And then I willingly ruined it….afterwards I told him I didn’t want to have these “regular” treat nights. It served no purpose. Maybe when I’m at my goal weight I would do it. But right now – the day after, I think back and think that it is risky, it’s a gateway to falling off the wagon and it’s unnecessary…especially, especially since I don’t even like ice cream that much! 

On a second note, I really need to stop stepping on the scale every day. I’m not tall enough (only 5′) to see differences that fast. I should pick a day and just step on once a week…to allow myself time to actually see a change on the scale and to then feel like I am making progress. 

Sigh. It was never this hard to put on the weight…..

Jumping on the bandwagon

The hubs and I are trying to get healthy. Together. It’s great. Kinda. He really doesn’t have any weight to lose. At about 5’11” and 165 pounds, he is by no means big. He isn’t necessarily in the best shape of his life, but he doesn’t have the battle of the bulge like his beautiful, but often nagging wife does. I justify it by saying I’ve had two kids, but so have thousands of other women who aren’t carrying around an extra tire in the middle.

It’s only been a week. A week where we haven’t eaten out, we haven’t had sweets or junk food and we especially haven’t had our version of crack. What is that you ask? Coke. And not the white powdery stuff. The glorious, carbonated (according to Facebook, toilet cleaning) dark, sugary goodness. We aren’t coffee drinkers, we hardly drink alcohol (much to my chagrin, I’d love to share a bottle of wine with him, but he’s just not a drinker, so, sadly, I tend to not drink as well)…but our vice? Soft drink. Soda. Pop. Whatever you call it. Probably a 2-can a day habit. Which maybe doesn’t sound that bad compared to some, but it’s still a ton of sugar and unneeded calories.

He’s also been running 5km about 5 of the last 7 days and I’ve been hauling my ass to the gym to walk/waddle/attempt to jog on the treadmill and lift weights like I know what I’m doing. (news flash, I don’t!)

Will this new health initiative last? I hope so. I go back to work in September. I don’t want to be carrying this extra 15-20 pounds. I hope to be down at least 10 of them. So far – I’ve lost 3.4. I’m pretty sure most of it is bloat and water weight. But I’ll take it. It’s motivating enough to stop me from going to the dep (convenience store to any non-Quebec folk) to grab a bag of chips and a coke.

And I keep thinking, a healthier mom for my kids – a healthier me to be mentally and physically ready to handle any issues or concerns that might present itself with our son E. We got a call from our local Children’s Hospital and his MRI is scheduled for end of August. He’ll be 9 months old. Sigh. No 9 month old should be getting an MRI…

And really…the fight my son might have to have is peanuts to me needing to lose a few pounds. So I really should shut the fuck up and just do it already.